2010 Journal – Chapter 18

I read this ten years later and all I can think about is that I had no idea how hard the next year (2011) would be. Goodbyes would be the catalyst of many hard nights for a college freshman. Goodbyes would be the reason I had years of therapy. Goodbyes would continue to haunt me into adulthood.

I don’t believe saying goodbye has ever become easier, especially permanent ones, of which around 20 have visited me in 10 years. I just have a harder spirit to face it. I also know the exchange for love is losing it, at some point, over and over again until you die. Then someone else is on the losing end.

My attachment to Stuart, and really anyone that is a friend or a lover has been a fondness for their character. A spark that sits inside that I connect with in a kindred way. For Stuart it was temporary infatuation. For my husband, Ryan, it was something that clicked almost 15 years ago and has never left me. I have a strong fondness for peoples.

In a time where I can’t leave to visit those I adore, and Ryan is my only consistent person, I find myself longing for kindred spirits. There is an ethereal value to peering into someone’s eyes and discussing a passion or having a laugh together. It is lost through computer screens and Zoom conferences. It is dulled by distance and internet lag times.

What I do know is that I will travel again and I will connect again, and I will also have to say goodbye again. But I do hope I will treasure it all the more.

The Thing About Goodbyes

May 12, 2010 at 3:11 PM

The thing about Goodbyes
May 12, 2010

The thing about good byes are that they are some of the hardest things for me to have to face and go through. I have noticed it tends to get harder and harder the longer and longer I stay with people and get closer to them as friends, It all started with the emotional goodbyes at home from friends at my going away party which luckily I didn’t break down at. Then it was the next morning and the goodbyes to my sisters, Grandmother and Father which was tear filled and hard. Especially with my twinge of fear of loosing them in some horrible accident or to some disease and me blaming myself for no being there. I also was horribly emotional saying goodbye to my pets, which are essentially family and in ways at this point I miss them more. I can talk to family on the phone but I can’t speak to my dog and cats and with animals as you all know it’s all a physical almost telepathic means to talk.

When I was in Germany I grew very attached to the Godwin’s and the country and found myself choking back tears for about an hour before leaving and as I told everyone goodbye. I even had another week with them but in ways it made it much worse to leave them in the end.

In England it was the Flynn’s that in only about a day and a half made me feel very close to and welcome and loved! I cried leaving them and not MUST go back to visit a bit longer but I have to bring my mother with me.

After them there wasn’t a goodbye problem until I met Stuart and not only did I have to say goodbye once to not only Edinburgh which I must say is probably my favorite city and no not because of Stuart. I made this realization before I even met him and he only added through our day trips and adventures here and there in the area. The first time was hard only because I hate leaving good friends especially those I don’t know well and want to get to know better. When I went back the second time for 6 days I figured I would become closer but had no idea how close I would in fact. This last goodbye was by far the hardest for me to do because of the problem of us being able to see each other again. He is planning on moving to Australia for a year to stay with his Aunt and work and will be leaving in June or July. I also have the college thing facing me along with financial burdens that come with it. So therefore it’s at least two years until we have the ability to see one another unless by some means I can up and fly to Australia in the next year or so. We will have to see what happens and if all else I have made a truly great friend from this whole little side trip of mine. I do truly hope to see him again in the future and rather sooner than later. I do believe though that I had to leave it the way, only because if it’s meant to work in whatever level or way then the separation will be the ultimate tell all. I also know I would regret it more for myself if I didn’t carry on with my travel plans.

I think it’s the hardest with him because with everyone else, other than the Flynn’s, I will be able to see soon. My family will be home either when I arrive back or within a week or two of me coming home. My friends will also be there waiting in Colorado. Then there is the Godwin’s and all of them except for Steve will be coming to visit for most the summer. Of course when I get into the great people in the U.K. I will likely not see any of them for a couple years and it’s a hard pill to swallow. I have made a lot of friends in Edinburgh and they are truly a great lot of people, they are funny, passionate, intelligent and such a good laugh. Again I hope to once again meet them.

I now have the theory that time is most definitely life’s enemy and that by no means is there ever enough time with those that you love! So I suppose one had to hold onto every single moment and hold onto them as long as their memory will allow. One can’t stop time though we wish and hope for it, but I do feel it’s far better to move forward, treasure what you can and experience some more. Photos fade, people change, the world changes, ideas change, accents change, cities grow and die and the world moves on but hold onto the memories that you’ve had and save them for when you wish to sink back into them. Sad or happy they are part of your story and it may have been painful or tragic or the best moments of your existence and they all in all make up who you are. Everything you see, taste, touch, hear, and every word you speak changes you and one continues to have those sort of layers built on them.

Well that’s my rant for today, I am now on another all day train trip to Holyhead, Wales where I will be staying the night and waiting for the ferry tomorrow morning at 10am to Don Loughaire in Ireland. For those that don’t have a clue where that is it’s only about 15 minutes from Dublin city center driving and it was mentioned in the movie “P.S. I Love You” as the town Holly couldn’t quite pronounce when first meeting Gerry. So a little reference for you, I’m staying the night there and hoping to explore the seaside some along with maybe some parks or wildlife reserves before heading to Cork in the south of Ireland for a few days.

Rebecca Robinson

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