Over the last 18 months I have taken time for reflection on where I am and why I want to be in the coming years.
At times, I took a break from writing, posting as much on social media so much, being in the machine that is producing content. Some weeks I did nothing, others I shared a few photos. I wanted to reset my goals a little, really think about what I enjoyed and needed to feel fulfilled and meet my dreams.
I realized that a lot of what holds me back, even without me realizing it, is this need for permission and acceptance. As if I am waiting for the universe to kick me along and open doors. Waiting.
This was a weird realization for someone that is independent and always seeking out ways to personally improve my life. I don’t really wait for permission to do anything. I travel on my own. I see what friends I want. I earn my own money. I got myself through college. I have been steering my sails for over a decade now.
Yet I realized while I was waiting for doors to open, I could be building my own house with its very own door. Much like how I have lived my whole life, I in fact, could build what I want from my existence. This isn’t about money or even creating for a career, it is about developing the life and stories that I want to share and work on. Often, us media makers, try to replicate and create what we are seeing, instead of setting our own trends. To an extent it’s fun to join the party and create our own version of a story, but it’s also important to create a unique identity.
The unique identity allows us to live authentically in this world that demands so much compliance and specific participation from each of us. And so much of this leads back to the concept of establishing boundaries that suit each one of us. The other side is respecting the boundaries that others have made. I am so far from perfect at both of these things, yet I am seeking something that better serves my family and me.
I am done waiting for permission to have or gain or be something. I am sick of jumping through specific hoops to please those that do not live under my roof. I’m still trying to figure out what this looks like, and each day is a new challenge, but mostly I am not waiting for society to allow me to live my life.
It’s September Halloween decorations, and Christmas/Holiday lights before Thanksgiving, because it makes me happy. It’s refusing to exhaust myself so I can be at expected gatherings, and to be the perfect “mom”. It’s giving myself permission to make mistakes and not know everything, as well as seeking circles where I feel valued and respected.
I’ve had a few people tell me this year that around 30 the “Tribes Scatter” meaning that the circles I used to run in have drifted further away, and instead I am seeking new tribes and meanings in those that have been with me through the pain and glory of the last two years. For everyone else, I send you peace and so much love. I also don’t need anyone’s permission to live my life how I feel works best.
I have also come to see that I don’t have to justify who I am, or how I think, or that I fucking exist. I am human, I am here, I have that right – as does everyone else – just by being here. I can take up space, and have a voice. I am allowed to not blindly agree, and I can say the dreaded “no” when something is not right, or serving me, or plain out too far beyond that boundary I have now set.
This doesn’t mean refusing to partnership and work together, but rather that I am not hiding in order to make others comfortable. I am sick of the fear I have of drama or frustrations, I am more sick of myself for not calling others out when they behaved or performed badly.
See, the truth is, life is so short – are you living for yourself? or for a fabricated version someone else told you to be?
The people and things in your life, that truly matter, will be there to support you!