Embrace The Trainwreck

musings

I often find life to be a confusing ball of shit.

Meaning, I have one idea of how it all should be, and then reality takes a dump on my ideas.

It’s the universe. There are no rules or regularity. We have no control, only perceptions of control. While we can steer the sails on our ship, we also face storms and waves, and giant killer squids. Mostly we survive, sometimes we almost drown. We usually come out as stronger swimmers for the next round.

If anything, at my very wise age of 28 (insert sarcasm symbol), it is that I can either fret about every awkward thing I have done (this list is painfully long) or I can move on and sail to the next day. (I really like the idea of being on a ship, because sailing, and oceans, and mermaids that can be whatever fucking color, because mermaids…)

My life hasn’t been cushioned, instead I usually fall on my ass, dust myself off, and find the next patch of ice I can slip on. I have had to work for 95% of what I have on my own, but I also know that that last 5% has been vital to my survival. I cry a lot, because existential crisis’s are real. but I also laugh until tears run down my face because “A Day Without Laughter is a Day Wasted” ~Charlie Chaplin.

I am messy and insecure. I am overly confident and painfully awkward. But whatever. I can either self help myself into a coma or I can just take everything as it comes. My only real competition is myself and my success is measured on moving forward.

When I TRULY think about all I wanted to achieve by my late 20s, I realize I have done more than I truly thought I would get to. I have things together. The puzzle is a little lop sided, I slammed a few pieces in where they didn’t fit. There are still pieces missing, but it works. There is actually a coherent image of something resembling a normal existence.

I have learned that life is not an immediate success, some people get it right away, but that is so very rare. Instead, and probably for the best, we have to prove ourselves and fight forward, and make things happen. To not is to accept defeat, which is something I simply won’t accept.

All I am saying in this, is that maybe we all should be happier with ourselves and where we are. We should embrace our lives as just are, and accept the chaos as what is. I am the first to jump into learning and growing, but I am also okay with not killing myself with too many projects. I have learned to create boundaries and limits where needed. These are all vital for survival.

Overall, just love yourself and your journey and your mistakes. It’s okay, you are just learning, even at 20 and 40 and 90, you are learning.

Natural Born Control Freak

musings, Travel

I am a natural born stubborn control freak. STUBBORN. CONTROL. FREAK.

I am so stubborn that when I was a toddler I would get angry that I wouldn’t get my way and I would hold my breath until I passed out. My mom would ignore me, my grandma thought I was dying and would fuss over me. I gave up the stunt after I realized it wouldn’t get me very far.

I am so stubborn that I will be mid discussion with my husband and be looking up articles that validate my opinion and information I am sharing. This “discussion” has been known to go on for days…I can blame him, but it’s really my doing.

When I planned my first trip to Europe in 2010 I literally planned everything down to the hour and half hour. This included each museum, how to walk, where to eat, how long it took on the train/public transportation. It was planned to the wire. Then an Icelandic Volcano blew up and ruined the plan and I had to adjust everything.

Going into college I had a straight and narrow plan on getting my BA, getting my MA and getting the dream job. I would work my ass off and ta-da I would have it and in no time I could be at Conde Nast or the Times and one day I would move abroad and work for the Guardian.

 I thought a lot of things.

Life likes to shit on these thoughts and dreams.

It’s not that the universe, or life, or God, or Goddess, or Cat (whatever you’re into man) wants you to suffer, it’s that the universe is chaotic and nothing is promised. You can do everything the way you think you should, and it will all go to hell regardless. It’s just our existence on this blue marble.

I like to think I am a recovering control freak, but I think I am still more control freak than recovering. I will probably never be someone that can just show up on a rip with no plan or preconceived notions. Instead, I will show up with a folder of details, receipts, and schedules that I will refer to all week. I will have a mind full of facts and ideas and images and expectations as to what I should be experiencing on said trip. I will be well informed on food choices and activity prices, shoe and age requirements, cultural norms and common sayings. In many respects I am over prepared, in other respects I have spent a disgusting amount of time preparing myself for things that won’t go any set way.

I dislike chaos and disorganization, I dislike not being able to find things and things that go missing. I dislike the natural chaos of existence and I have done little things to try and shelter myself. I have a hard time committing to anything in a solid way, jobs, friendships, clubs, romances, etc. I WANT to, but I also fear if I come up with something more important to do, or a need, that if I can’t be there I am letting people down, and more importantly myself. This is not to say I don’t take risks, traveling is inherent risk, going to college is risk, my job is constant risk. I risk a lot, but it all is comfortable risk, risk that builds into something better. Emotional risk is something else.

Emotional risk, and inevitable failure, is heartbreak and tears and pain. It is not getting the job(s) you apply for, all 200 of them, and settling for a different field entirely. It is facing that marriage and long partnerships are not all wine and roses but something better, though scarier. It is learning to grow where you are planted, not demanding the perfect climate at the start. It is being vulnerable and real and going with chaos. It is the ultimate lemonade with lemons, no matter how sour they are, and no matter the sugar that is poured in the pitcher. It is daily getting up and trying to be better than the day before.

I am still learning in my recovery, I think each day my walls crumble a little more.

Trust Those That Love You

family, musings

My title is self-explanatory. Trust. Those that love you, they love you for a reason.

Their love has power. Truth.

Love has power.

Because when someone says you are such a good…. writer, artist, singer…. phlebotomist…. you probably are. In essence they are seeing the magic you have in you, the talent and the work to make something happen. They see it. They are telling you that you should see it too.

This isn’t to say that just because you do one thing right and receive praise that you can’t keep trying. It’s to say, someone sees where this can take you, keep going.

The thing is that far too much of my life has been spent doubting what people tell me. How people encourage me. My insecurities meant that I always felt like a fraud or that others must have been just trying to be nice. I believed this so deeply, especially in college, I figured my good grades weren’t earned and my bad grades were so much more honest. Yet some light deep in me knew that hell yes I did deserve a good grade. Hell yes I did the best I could. So I’ve taken this light and I’ve let it shine, brighter and more fully year after year.

Sometimes I know that I could have, should have, would have done better. But I also know that the not so good stuff helps to eventually create the good. My failures move me into better. My mistakes shine light on the dust in the corners.

My team of friends and family… they help me get to the next stage. They see my potential. They’ll hold my hand while I get there. And I see theirs.

So, dear reader, trust what people praise you for. Trust in their love and support. Trust that they know a thing or two. And listen when they give advise. Life is hard enough, why choose to think everyone hates you or is lying to you?

These people that love you, they share their adoration because they see what you have to offer the world. They support you because you have something to offer. So believe them. Is it such a bad thing to have cheerleaders?

Besides, even if they lie a little, just to keep your feelings safe, maybe just maybe that little lie can light a fire to greatness. Maybe have of success is just believing and trying and trying again?

Just some thoughts…..

The Busy Bee….Doesn’t Get Her Writing Done

musings, Travel

The hardest part of blogging is that there are only so many hours in a day. There are only so many days in a week, in a year, in a decade. Meaning…. I struggle to spread myself in all of the directions I plan to be spread.

My biggest downfall is being a Queen Bee of busy. I run from work to the gym to home to the grocery store to picking up kids to visiting family to hiking to work to gym to….you all do the cycle. Some of you are single parents trying to make it all work. Some of you are parents of a healthy brood of youngins and some of you just work too damn hard.

We also have a society that demands blood from us at every second of every day. Work 50 hour weeks? oh well…make sure you do your daughter’s costume for the school play BETTER than your Pinterest reference. Have five kids? Well ALL of them better have a laundry list of extracurriculars. Have a job? make sure you do everything 20 times harder than everyone else with no extra pay and no extra benefits….then maybe you’ll get the raise.

Don’t get me wrong, hard work has never intimidated me, and at every job I have had I was quick to move up the ranks and leave my mark. However, if there is one thing I have learned through all of this, is that MY WORK, the work I do for me, is just as important. I have to draw the line on what society demands and what I need from me to be sane and happy. You should too.

I don’t mind the occasional 45 to 50 hour weeks, but I also make sure I take a day off here and there. I schedule myself three day weekends just to have fun. I run away to local towns for a day or two just for something different. So what if the house is messy? So what if my over hasn’t been cleaned in 6 months? The reality is that my time is more precious than playing perfect. My life, and actually living it, is more important than all the laundry being put away.

This is not an easy state of mind, and I stumble, and I make messes, and then I try again. As a “Type A” personality, I often get sidetracked in making sure things are better, organized, neat, clean. When in reality, some of the chaos is what makes us of this universe.

There is a good chance I will always struggle in this, and my lack of writing this month has shown that. However, at the end of the day I have to acknowledge that hard work is great, but sometimes you have to play, and with that is making time for yourself.

Happy Travels!

BusyBee

 

Take Care of Yourself

family, love, musings

This season is hard on a lot of people. Not only does it bring on financial pressure to travel, to buy food and gifts, but also an expectation of leaves many anxious around their finances. Myself included.

Add on any family conflict. Myself included.

A dash of missing loved ones that died this time of year, or that had birthdays this time of year, or anyone you spent the day with this time of year. It becomes really stressful and lonely. Myself included.

The problem I am having is being stuck in my head too much, and stuck at home too much. I work remotely about 50% of the time, so this isn’t surprising. However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel isolated or even trapped. Mostly, because I’m not practicing the things I know that are important for a healthy state of being. For myself or anyone else.

So I remind you all to take time to reconnect to what your heart loves and craves. If it’s music, find a concert- even a free one at a church or school. If it’s a social gathering, find a book group with the library or local book store. Maybe try a coffee shop and use meet-up  to connect.

Perhaps you just really want to play with dogs all day? Try signing up as a doggy daycare provider with dogvacay or volunteer with a local shelter.

It’s not easy to know what to do, but there are options. I am currently finding odd jobs t pay bills and connect me with new ideas and people. I am also making an effort to see friends and get back into craft projects that keep me happy.

I leave you with an idea discussed last night, as dinner, with ones I love, BE BOLD, BE BRAVE, BE. Be your own advocate, be a voice of reason, be someone that picks themselves up and dust themselves off and carries on. Be loving, and BE. IF you have a dream, see what it would take to get there, and take a step to be there. Ask questions. Don’t be afraid of learning. Research. Imagine.

And finally, if you are feeling sad and vulnerable and scared, then acknowledge those feelings in a friendly way. As you would to another friend. Hug yourself, drink tea, watch a favorite movie, breathe, and eat well. Hug yourself, cuddle a pet and just do anything to make you feel better.

Sometimes it’s not even making anything better, at times you can’t, but just getting through the day, the week, the month, the year, and working on something better.

Love,

Rebecca Lee Robinson