Natural Born Control Freak

musings, Travel

I am a natural born stubborn control freak. STUBBORN. CONTROL. FREAK.

I am so stubborn that when I was a toddler I would get angry that I wouldn’t get my way and I would hold my breath until I passed out. My mom would ignore me, my grandma thought I was dying and would fuss over me. I gave up the stunt after I realized it wouldn’t get me very far.

I am so stubborn that I will be mid discussion with my husband and be looking up articles that validate my opinion and information I am sharing. This “discussion” has been known to go on for days…I can blame him, but it’s really my doing.

When I planned my first trip to Europe in 2010 I literally planned everything down to the hour and half hour. This included each museum, how to walk, where to eat, how long it took on the train/public transportation. It was planned to the wire. Then an Icelandic Volcano blew up and ruined the plan and I had to adjust everything.

Going into college I had a straight and narrow plan on getting my BA, getting my MA and getting the dream job. I would work my ass off and ta-da I would have it and in no time I could be at Conde Nast or the Times and one day I would move abroad and work for the Guardian.

 I thought a lot of things.

Life likes to shit on these thoughts and dreams.

It’s not that the universe, or life, or God, or Goddess, or Cat (whatever you’re into man) wants you to suffer, it’s that the universe is chaotic and nothing is promised. You can do everything the way you think you should, and it will all go to hell regardless. It’s just our existence on this blue marble.

I like to think I am a recovering control freak, but I think I am still more control freak than recovering. I will probably never be someone that can just show up on a rip with no plan or preconceived notions. Instead, I will show up with a folder of details, receipts, and schedules that I will refer to all week. I will have a mind full of facts and ideas and images and expectations as to what I should be experiencing on said trip. I will be well informed on food choices and activity prices, shoe and age requirements, cultural norms and common sayings. In many respects I am over prepared, in other respects I have spent a disgusting amount of time preparing myself for things that won’t go any set way.

I dislike chaos and disorganization, I dislike not being able to find things and things that go missing. I dislike the natural chaos of existence and I have done little things to try and shelter myself. I have a hard time committing to anything in a solid way, jobs, friendships, clubs, romances, etc. I WANT to, but I also fear if I come up with something more important to do, or a need, that if I can’t be there I am letting people down, and more importantly myself. This is not to say I don’t take risks, traveling is inherent risk, going to college is risk, my job is constant risk. I risk a lot, but it all is comfortable risk, risk that builds into something better. Emotional risk is something else.

Emotional risk, and inevitable failure, is heartbreak and tears and pain. It is not getting the job(s) you apply for, all 200 of them, and settling for a different field entirely. It is facing that marriage and long partnerships are not all wine and roses but something better, though scarier. It is learning to grow where you are planted, not demanding the perfect climate at the start. It is being vulnerable and real and going with chaos. It is the ultimate lemonade with lemons, no matter how sour they are, and no matter the sugar that is poured in the pitcher. It is daily getting up and trying to be better than the day before.

I am still learning in my recovery, I think each day my walls crumble a little more.

Demolish Your Comfort Zone

musings, Travel

It is said that the life you want is at the end of your comfort zone.

Maybe.

In fact, I think a perfectly happy life is in the comfort zone. That’s the college and the job and the spouse and the 2.5 kids. You retire by 60, you snuggle grandkids, and you die around 75. So it goes. The average. Yet where does one truly grow from that?

Sure you support the standard existence demanded of your kin and ancestors. Nothing wrong with that. Sure you don’t have struggles and strife. Nothing wrong with that.

Yet something is missing.

For many of us we want some sense of fulfillment, maybe it’s to be a great painter or dancers. maybe it’s playing the tuba. Maybe it’s simply being an awesome Girl Scout leader. Whatever it is, so many of us don’t take that first step.

Comfort zones hold us in place. Comfort zones ya we’re safe and happy when we’re missing something to nurture our souls. They are liars, they are the lizard brain self preserving. They are not a voice of true joy.

Beyond comfort zones means fulfillment in other ways. It means risk. It means failure. It means being frightened.

Yet when you push past the fear and confines of what you think your existence should be, there lays so many new opportunities.

The thing is, you will always be scared. You were probably scared when you applied to your job, scared on your first day. You maybe still fear being fired or dialing at a project. All of these are possible. And maybe you are frightened if something else happening, but the truth is that all of it could be okay. All of it could be truly wonderful.

This brings me to exploring the world. I am frightened when I get on a plane, worried about “what if”. But guess what, every plane trip has brought me new and thrilling adventures. I’m frightened to go to a new country. But guess what, each one has offered me something magical.

I’ve been frightened to try new foods, to do new jobs, to go to school, to try different careers. At times I’ve been in tears because I’m so frightened. But once I work it out, I face the fears, I’m ok. Each of these frights has pushed me forward on what has been a pretty awesome journey. I’m scared a lot, I don’t let it stop me.

In fact, my comfort zone is small. It’s my bedroom. My desk at work. My car. That’s about it my “safe” places. Those are sacred places I need, but I also know the in between brings me growth, helps me grow.

So, dear friends, push onwards. For bravery doesn’t mean that you aren’t afraid, it means you do it anyway.

Happy Travels!

“From a proud Gryffindor”

Accomplishments and Goals Part 2

musings

In part one 1 I began the discussion on the importance of taking note of your accomplishments and note of your goals to compare the two. This keeps one grounded on the road through life and aware that even small things are meant to be celebrated. Small things can be profound, and even our mistakes can mean we earned something. At the end of the day, the morsels from our achievements are sustenance to carry on, to be better, to be stronger, to carry on. While the journey may be rough, the goals are worth it.

Here is my shortlist of accomplishments I have made based on my own goals.
  • I graduated High School
  • I graduated from my Undergraduate program with a double major
  • I graduated from my Master’s program
  • I moved out of my childhood home and have not gone back
  • I financially support myself and help with my family expenses
  • I am happily married with a great husband and step-child
  • I have a job moving into a real career
  • I have a roof over my head
  • I have a newer car
  • I have plenty to eat
  • I have a fantastic circle of friends that love and support me
  • I have hosted a radio show
  • I have been published in a newspaper
  • I have survived the loss of loved ones
  • I have been to Paris
  • I have been to London
  • I have been to Rome
  • I have been to Florence
  • I have been to Edinburgh
  • I have had champagne in Champagne
  • I have cried at the Isle of Skye’s beauty
  • I have cried at the rolling hills of Ireland and their beauty
  • I have recovered from illness
  • I have danced on a table
  • I have held management positions
  • I have made positive changes to companies and organizations I work for
  • I have over 130 subscribers to my blog
  • I have made friends at every stage of my life
  • I have hiked all day
  • I have traveled to 13 different countries in two continents
  • I had a beautiful wedding
  • I made my wedding dress
  • I have photographed beautiful weddings
  • I have been to a beer festival
  • I have worn crazy outfits in public
  • I have loved deeply
  • I have had my heart broken
  • I have eaten exotic food
  • I have danced at a Burn’s Night
  • I have been to countless concerts
  • I own my own business
  • I create art
  • I have sold art
  • I have tattoos
  • I have tried different piercings
  • I have made mistakes
  • I have left things that don’t serve me
  • I have abandoned abuse for instability
  • I have found peace in therapy and support
  • I have an innovative eye
  • I inspire others to see the world
  • I have started to write books
  • I have shared my stories with others
  • I have delivered a eulogy to a crowd of people
  • I have shared pitches with my bosses
  • I am learning not to fear authority
  • I am learning new skills at my job
  • I am challenging myself each new year
  • I am a Girl Scout Troop Leader
  • I make art for those I love
  • I have a growing blog
  • I can read and write
  • I have read more books than I remember
  • I have worked since I was 17
  • I have worked to pay for my travels
  • I have traveled three times by myself to Europe
  • I did a study abroad program in Italy
  • I have cried at the Mona Lisa
  • I have made countless costumes for myself and others
  • I exercise 2-4 times a week
  • I have shared a love of history with children
  • I have acted in pays
  • I have adopted a pet that was homeless
  • I have been on a cruise
  • I have been to an all-inclusive resort
  • I have taken an airplane multiple places
  • I have taken a train multiple places
  • I have taken ferries to cross oceans
  • I have taken children on daily and travel adventures
  • I have witnessed nature’s unparalleled beauty.
  • I have woken up to bagpipes playing in Scotland
  • I have had my makeup and hair done professionally
  • I have had my nails done professionally
  • I have helped build homes
  • I have laughed so hard I have cried
  • I have survived being very ill
  • I have sang and drank with friendly Germans
  • I have danced and celebrated with happy Scots
  • I have been soaking wet due to bad travel planning
  • I have carried too much luggage
  • I have had flight delays
  • I am paying off my student loans

Part 3

Share your story in the comments!