_____Updated November 26, 2016———–

SO 2016 is really the worst…..due to president-elect Trump and a group of his followers. We have had neo-nazi support from alt-right goons. KKK support for the cheeto. All of which he hasn’t fully disconnected from….because he’s an extreme narcissist that takes any attention he can get. (But he gets mad at the theater kids, see below)

He is hiring a staff that will not be resisted by a republican controlled congress, and they are all climate-deniers, torture supporters, creationist ass hats. There beliefs aren’t even the problem, it’s that time and again they have and they will continue to remove funding and support from programs that have actually brought me a lot of comfort the last few years.

The president threw a fit over the cast of Hamilton addressing his VP, because they asked REAL questions. (This only made me love the musical more, which may be one of a few GOOD things about this year, was my introduction to its magic).

Then let’s talk about the disaster with the DAPL and the horrors that is Standing Rock. Which isn’t a new protest mind you, we’ve been shitting on Native Americans since at least 1492 and here we are….people with power…mostly white men with money and power, stomping on and ignoring people that are poor and often marginalized. They often don’t even have a voice in these matters and their protest is actually a chance to demand some attention to their struggle. However, the way that protesters have been treated through this whole event is nothing short of a human rights violation. One protester lost her arm!

Not to mention the Cheeto has his thumb in every fucking pie, because he’s a business man, and as “in the game” as any white man with power can be. This includes the stock companies that are investing in the building of DAPL. Which means he has financial assets attached to this, and he also has said time and again he’s about oil and fossil fuels and fuck anybody that gets in the way.

Where else do I go? All the things Trump has said even in the last two years is horrifying. And media (even good media) is trying to just keep up, which also fuels the former reality-star and his actions. It’s what he wanted all along…. he never wanted to help people or run a country. He just wants the attention and the fame. He won at that. But that means the rest of us, us working class people, and our children, and everyone that is not a man in their 70s and white and a millionaire.

Media is trying to normalize what is quickly reflecting every fascist movement in modern history.

Watch this if you don’t understand:

Because when we pander to fears, when we use hateful language, when we make false promises just to gain power, when we don’t value even the people that work for us….we end up with monsters like Trump and that is the most horrifying.

I go back and forth on wanting the year to end and not because 21 days in the Cheeto actually gains power. Even since he got elected the stories of attacks, statements, graffiti and hate-crimes has been a constant onslaught.

Personally, I have not had a good year.

Many people have had a shitty year.

I’m not alone but for all of us having a shitty time things suck. REALLY suck.

I have had to quit 2 jobs for reasons beyond my control and that were, at times, frankly absurd.

One of my closest friends lost her HOME- a house she had bought 48 hours before- to the flooding in Baton Rouge. Then her boyfriend ended things. Then her dog got sick. Then her car crapped out….she’s having a blast. (The car is better now)

My year sucks for several reasons. Jobs that don’t pay well. Jobs that aren’t working well. Managers that don’t communicate. Struggling with depression. Struggling with student loans. Struggling with missing my grandma (she died last year but I still hurt). I’ve been picking up the slack where other people fail, step out, or flake out….I don’t want to go into detail. But my stress is at a level I haven’t experienced in 5 years, when over 10 people I knew died due to everything from old age, car accidents and suicide. One always hopes things get better and for five years it did…now….I feel totally cast out to sea.

But we stay hopeful. Because we are beings that stay hopeful. We try and we fight and we pray and cry and hope…we hope so much. Because I honestly don’t know if any of us would stay living if we didn’t have that mechanism. Being we’re intelligent beings, we understand more than is probably good for our emotional well-being. And if you are in the Western world you probably don’t know how to deal, except by hope, a beer and some choice prayers to the universe.

And we have to remember this: http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/history/2016/07/is_2016_the_worst_year_in_history.html

and that others have survived worst….

Yet we still feel bruised, and scared, and depressed. The fact I already struggle with anxiety, PTSD and depression adds to trauma that anyone would have. So it’s a fun journey.

I suppose we’ll all figure it out eventually.

Also, can I say it really sucks to have a bunch of people you greatly admire dying.

Alan Rickman

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Gene Wilder

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David Bowie

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Harper Lee

Elie Wiesel

Florence Henderson

Leonard Cohen

Muhammed Ali

You get it.

So we mourn our losses and carry on…hopefully to a planet we can live in and a country we can live with. (It may take 4 years)

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Why this year has been the worst

musings

Did you know Dementors in Harry Potter are symbols for J.K. Rowling’s own struggle with depression? for me, they are the only analogy that makes sense to someone that has spent at least 15 years fighting those same monsters.

They come and go, sometimes I have the strength to fight, sometimes they overpower me. Sometimes I forget that they exist.

I have struggled with depression since I was about 12. That’s 13 years now…meaning I’ve been “depressed” longer than I’ve not been.

Yet, that’s only when I remember it getting bad enough that I thought my death might be a good option. Which is crummy that a 12 y/o would ever feel that way. Yet, at 12, even though you aren’t given the credit, we know more and feel more than the adults around us understand.

I would say my real depression started at age 9 or 10. 4th grade. When conflicts with members of my family hit a breaking point. And all I wanted to do was lay on the couch and listen to audio books. Compound this with constant and debilitating stomach aches. Splash on anxiety and I was starting to struggle with all the things a normal older child should be able to deal with.

Sadly, I didn’t always have a support system that could help me or reach me when I had attacks. Often, members of my own family could be Dementors.

This isn’t about the list of things that have made it hard to change my internal dialogue, but a list of things on how to fight the darkness that creeps steadily and sneakily into your chest when you’re busy trying to survive.

Yet, either I can fall down with the monster, into a dark hole. OR

OR I can fight it.

Because I have come too damn far to not.

It’s like getting to the final battle of Hogwarts and not showing up, you know you need to be there, but you forget to set your alarm…..

It’s easy to forget the alarm, but it’s a lot harder to make up for lost time on an already short existence on this blue marble.

Here are my tips on fighting off the Dementors…

  • Find little things
    • I love stupid animal videos and many hours have been spent laughing at dogs fall down stairs and cats run into walls. But who cares if it’s nonsense or silly, I can laugh. I can laugh and laugh and laugh and sometimes that is just the best feeling…remembering what it’s like to laugh.

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  • Remember what helps
    • make a list, or just think a few moments on what helps you feel better. Is it a hug from your partner or sister? How about chocolate chip cookies? Avoid co-dependence but try the little things to help. Remember if a poem helps you feel grounded, or a favorite book helps you feel alive.
  • Love
    • sometimes we can’t love ourselves, but we can love something else. When we share love, we can receive love and I believe if you love more and more, then you can’t stop loving everyone, especially yourself.
  • Be Healthy
    • many times, when I feel at my worst, it’s because I have been eating out too much, or not eating enough healthy things my body needs. This is a good chance to eat some salad, be mindful of foods you crave and maybe take a walk or a hike.

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  • Keep it simple
    • it’s easy, as a culture, to bury ourselves in To-Do lists. however, sometimes the list is a ridiculous set of standards that causes more harm then good. When you feel low, don’t worry about all the dishes or laundry, just enjoy little things. Embrace the crazy and be. DO WHAT YOU NEED TO FEEL BETTER.
    • The world will not end if you don’t clean the toilet TODAY
  • Do something for confidence
    • if you feel off inside, you’ll feel off outside. Not that anything may be wrong, but one may just need a boost. Maybe it’s a new haircut, or getting your nails done. Try a new perfume, or pull out those heels you never wear. Perhaps you just need a new toilet paper, but sometimes, the little things make a big difference.
  • Make a change
    • Change can be terrifying, but also liberating. Move some furniture around, paint a wall, sew something. Throw out old clothes, buy some new clothes, try a new blanket etc. New hobbies and other things can help a lot.
  • Reach out
    • talk to the people you trust and love to see how they are doing, Go get food or a drink. Be together, be friends, be loving
  • Meditate
    • This helps myself, and millions of others, find some sense in the storm that is their mind. In the internet age you can find thousands of videos, instructions and ideas to help with meditation. No need for it to be intimidating
  • Self-Care
    • Most importantly, practice self-care. Be loving, be kind and be patient. This life is hard and disappointing and no one makes it out alive….so sometimes we have to step back and care. Talk to people to get through the time, therapists and doctors may have some ideas to get you back on your feet.

Best,

Rebecce

musings