There are times when I think I might be solar powered. Which instead of solar, let’s try rain and clouds.
I say this because there are times where I really need a break. A break from technology. A break from scrolling on Facebook. A break from news. A break from drama. A break from friends. A break from my family.
I have always considered myself an extrovert, but the older I get, the more I realize that I need time to myself and that I in fact really enjoy it. While I love parties, meeting people, traveling, seeing new things. There are days when I just need to be a couch potato. Or I need to nap half the day. Or I need to clean when no one is around and in my way. Some of it is just quirks about myself and my needs. But REALLY I NEED time to myself. Time to be in my own head. Time to create something, clean something, paint something, write…. time.
For years I thought I needed others to fill my voids, to fill the needs I had. But the truth was a deeper need to have conversations with myself. My introvert husband helped with this transition and I have never looked back.
The thing is, when I was a child I lived in a house of seven people. The house was about 1,500 square feet, not particularly small, but with seven people, it got cozy. In that seven were my parents, my grandparent’s on my dad’s size, myself and my two younger sisters. I shared a room with my sisters. In fact, my two sister’s shared a double bed for many years. Some of this was poverty and cohabitation, and not being able to afford our own place (my nuclear family). As the years progressed my grandparent’s began having serious health issues that meant someone needed to be there as much as possible.
While we were the main people that lived in the house, my dad’s family often came to visit. Meaning at any particular holiday 14+ people could be staying in the house. This meant more people in my room, sometimes sleeping in my parents room. Sometimes it meant sleeping in a tent in the backyard.
Needless to say, I was never alone much. As a child such things don’t seem abnormal, as it is all you know. As an adult, you start to really pick at the scars certain things left behind. Being crammed in one house meant that I never truly learned to thrive on my own, and it also meant I never had space to feel truly free. (This is not to pick on my upbringing, but rather an observation.)
In college I moved into my own studio apartment, and my first year of college was a lonely one. While I was dating Ryan (my now husband) we were doing long distance (60 miles apart approximately). Then on top of that I had a year of losses of friends and family that left me facing a lot of demons.
When I moved in with Ryan I grasped at time together as hoping to fill the voids left where my pain had been. We fought a lot, because he needed alone time, I needed attention.
At some point I realized that I also should try alone time, and I realized it was what I needed. At times it has been meditation. At times it has been reading. At times it has simply been laying in bed playing a game on my phone. Other times I walk eight miles, to feel more alive. And GOD does it feel good. I love my alone time now. I love not having to talk to someone. I love not needing to put energy into something. I love the rest that I can create.
At times this means I am not always keeping up with my art and blog. For that I cringe, but for my all around health, I embrace is.
Happy Travels….or rest days ❤